Alright it's Friday. So I've compiled the Slap My Wallet list of the Ten Most Annoying Things About 2009.
1. People Not Effected By The Economy Acting Like It
Maybe you haven't heard the news that our economy is in the crapper. As of July 2009 the unemployment rate has rose to 9.7%, and so many people with jobs have had to take pay cuts. Times are tough for a lot of people. So if you have had the good fortune of not being effected, get a clue, and recognize that other people have. As in your new Rolex is great, and can you please throw some sand in my eyes.
For example. You're out with a friend. He's not ordering PBRs because their hip and ironic. He's ordering them because their cheap. Don't be the guy asking for a Belvedere and tonic when it's his turn to buy a round.
Further, let's stop the guilt trips. If someone says they can't meet you for dinner at Gramercy or go with you on that Caribbean vacation, then be a friend and leave it alone. It's annoying how many people have their head in the sand.
2. Both Sides of the Health Care Debate
Never before has what I'll call the "I'm Right About Everything" factor in America been so strong. 2009 must be the year for geniuses. It's surprising that only about 29% of the population has a college degree. So how did we get so many experts on health care. Having been born in a hospital must be the qualification.
People are so adamant about this debate that they are bringing assault weapons to town hall meetings. It's a little ridiculous. Perhaps equally ridiculous is the fact that our government is trying to fix one of the most complicated systems in the world in less time than it takes to train for a marathon.
3. Creepy Car Dealers
The government can give the car companies a bailout. They can impose higher fuel standards. They can give you $4500 for your clunker. But they can't make car dealers less creepy.
News flash: Slapping a hooker's worth on makeup on your six year old daughter and putting her in your dealership's commercial is creepy. However it's not as creepy as the process of buying a car. Like being accosted by creepy salesmen with coffee breath that stand too close to you. Sure I'll take your business card. I wouldn't want to run the risk of forgetting who you are.
Even more creepy is going into that back room to meet with the dealership's finance guy. You enter their lair with full knowledge that they are going to try to screw you in some sneaky way. Here's a suggestion, maybe if the dealerships turned down their creepiness level people would want to buy cars.
4. Twitter
If I have to hear another person say "follow me on twitter" I'm going to move to a deserted island. Great, sixty year old newscaster. I can see you're down with technology lol. How impressive.
Hey twitter boy I'll let you in on a little secret. Nobody care's what you are doing. They only want you to care about what they are doing, which is equally uninteresting. If you were doing something interesting you probably wouldn't stop to noodle around with your phone.
5. Celebrities Who Don't Do Anything
I'm not going to name names, but I'm a little sick of people who are famous for being famous. I fail to understand why people are interested in people they don't know who have never done anything significant with their lives. Voyeurism has reached a new low. Further, what genius at MTV decided that watching chubby, awkward, spoiled teenagers is better than watching rock stars play music?
6. TV Shows With No Ending
The new formula in 2009 for good television is to leave the audience guessing... forever. You know what I'm talking about. I'm sick of getting mind spanked week after week. It's annoying. I'm convinced that there is no ending, there never will be an ending, and someone somewhere is lying on a pile of money laughing their butt off.
7. Airplane Crashes
Is it just me or does it seem like a plane has gone down every single week in 2009? I've been told that statistically we probably haven't had more crashes than normal, but the media coverage sure makes you feel that way. In any sense, one crash is one crash too many. The aviation department needs to do a better job. Maybe they should hire a few of the guys from Twitter.
8. Athletes on Dope
Professional sports are getting more like professional wrestling. We just all want to believe it's true. Sure a middle-aged man with a beer belly can perform like a twenty year old. I believe it. Actually I'm surprised that people haven't started suing to get their money back on losing bets. If I had lost thousands of dollars on a game where one side cheated I'd want my money back.
9. Bad Drivers
Like obesity the number of bad drivers in America seems to be multiplying at an alarming rate. Now with the trend of driving while texting the danger off the highway has reached it's precipice. Bad drivers are annoying and dangerous. Ladies did you know that statistically a man that tailgates is three times more likely to leave you and your children abandoned for some bimbo he met at the gym?
10. Internet Comments
Has anything changed the social landscape of America more than internet comments? From the ivy league professors that chime in about the state of the economy to the surgeons that share their personal experiences about health care, how would I know the real story without all those internet comments.
Everybody knows that the comments are always more interesting than the piece itself. Why even read the article. It's gotten to the point where all they have to say is Obama Money Discuss.
I have to admit that I've gotten sucked into the dark world of internet commenting. I get up early to read the NYTimes in order for my comments to be on the all-important first page. I carefully sculpt my arguments in clever and insightful ways so that I might achieve the coveted 'Editor's Selection' status.
Of course commenting is easy for me since I happen to be an expert on so many topics, including health care ever since that incident with the band aid. Perhaps you should follow me on twitter to see what I'll be commenting on next. You see one day I plan on being a Celebrity commenter. I'll travel around the country like a rock star teaching people how to comment, only I'll take the train.
This has been Slap My Wallet's Ten Most Annoying Things about 2009. Comment away!
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